February 26th, 2007
I have decided to give up false modesty. I started this morning. It was surprisingly refreshing!
I’ve always been one of those people who can’t take a compliment. I demur: “Oh, jeez, well, you know,” and I do lots of shrugging and not making eye contact. I feel like my guts are trying to shrink down to the size of an acorn, which is frankly impossible because I take in a lot of fiber and you know where that ends up, but it’s trying. Or, I’ll say “Well it’s not such a big deal,” or “I studied a lot, you know, this stuff doesn’t come naturally to me.” But it does. And sometimes it is a big deal. Somehow I came out of childhood with this squirmy dislike of being praised. I’m not really sure why. Certainly I was praised as a child, and it was never paired with a smack or anything that would cause me to dread compliments. But it’s true, I don’t tolerate them very well. Even though I crave them. So it’s time to stop the false modesty. Sometimes, I look good. Or I made a good meal. Or I got some kind of accomplishment, and it could be praiseworthy. It’s subtly (or not so subtly) undermining of one’s self to refuse to take credit for accomplishments. I think of this as a blow for reality and the realistic appraisal of myself. I have flaws and strengths, achievements and failures – and the failures are enough of an albatross all on their own, why make the achievements albatrosses too?
Not only is false modesty a slam against yourself, it’s a slam against everyone else who tried what you did and failed, or even just appreciates it. You’re saying, Not only is this comment not deserved, but my accomplishment is not worth being considered in the first place. Or so I think, but I just laid a horrible fart, so horrible that Husband fled the dining room seeking refuge elsewhere in the apartment, but not close to the fireplace in case my fart causes an explosion, so my brain could be addled and I could be wrong.