February 27th, 2007
Today may be the first day in over a week that I feel almost well. It’s such a relief to finally feel like me again, like someone with forward momentum, like someone with a life. I’ve been pretty lighthearted about the flu here but the truth is it really got me down. Of course there’s the physical part, which I struggled against as much as I could while acknowledging that I can’t get better if I don’t rest. I went to school, I went to a dinner party, I went out with Husband for mussels and beer. But I had to force myself every step of the way, and when I got home I was drained like an empty balloon. My heart would race simply from the exertion of walking down the street. I was chronically exhausted, which started to get a bit frightening around day six. This was the emotional part.
I’ve never had a serious illness or any hospitalizations (except the wisdom tooth debacle, and a chronic low grade struggle with my bowels, named Terry. Terry the terrible colon.). So I know I really have no right to complain about illness based fear when all I had was the flu. But the feeling was real to me, and without minimizing what others have suffered through, I was quite anxious. Today I have only the mildest vestiges of clinging sick left about me, and thank god for that. It’s tiring to be anxious all the time. It felt very alien.
I have a paper due on Sunday and now I have the juice to get at it. The dishes are done. I have optimism, finally!