Blogosaurus Vex

September 27th, 2007

My insomnia is back.

I just need to look at that for a second, and wallow in the misery.  It’s back.

A few minor bouts aside, my insomnia has been largely under control for several years now.  I will never be a great sleeper, but I could count on feeling rested when I got up in the morning.  And I came to a point where I actually enjoyed the many wakings a night I always go through – it makes the night feel longer, and therefore more luxurious.  I could always fall back asleep, so waking just represented a time to go to the bathroom and enjoy the fact that there are still X hours until morning.

Last night I think I slept about three hours, maybe four.  I couldn’t fall asleep for hours, and when I finally did, I snapped awake after an hour or so and then, finding myself fatigued but alert, tossed and turned for an hour or so more until another short nap could be achieved.   Repeat.  I think I got a couple hours solid in the early morning.  And insomnisleep is not like normal sleep.  There is no period of drifting off.  I go from awake into a deep sleep quite suddenly it seems, and similarly, the waking is fast too.  The whole process feels disjointed and uncomfortable.

I remember this feeling so well.  Fighting to keep from getting too frustrated in the night (anger being the kiss of death for sleeping), running through mental algorithms of ways to get back to sleep.  Progressive relaxation.  Distraction.  New positions.  Cool the bed down, change the pillow.  Move to the couch.  Move back.  Consider elaborate permutations of the consequences of getting up to read.  Decide to kill self from utter frustration; remind self that getting all worked up helps nothing.  Get all worked up anyway.

I woke up yawning.  My eyes are swollen.  My body aches.  I feel like shit.  And I feel a sense of doom, to get a little maudlin – there is no such thing as one bad night on its own.  They travel in packs.  I’ll do everything right today – exercise, eat well, take no naps, and choose a bed time that coincides with sleepiness, but I already know I’m not going to sleep tonight either.

What kind of fucked up disorder is not being able to sleep?  It kills me to know I’m the traitor – there is no tumour or lesion.  This is coming from my head, or at least it is now – I get so freaked out when the sleep goes that I pretty much guarantee myself a hard time of it from the first night on.

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