October 28th, 2007
Husband and I are back on a diet. After a couple (okay, a few) months of gay abandon, we have both put on weight. We’ve been eating out more and I’ve taken to ordering dessert after every meal, even when I have to stuff myself to the aching point to ingest it. Yesterday, while eating a plate of pasta in alfredo sauce, I realized that my jeans are too tight. And these are my usual, comfortable jeans, not the skinny jeans I only fit some times. And I’m not the only one – Husband has grown a bit about the middle too. I have taken to referring to us collectively (and affectionately) as “the sausages.” The word sausages is cute, but, alas, looking like a sausage is decidedly not cute. I’m too afraid to weight myself but clearly, things must change.
I dislike dieting because if there’s a way to do it without feeling hungry, I haven’t discovered it. But anyway, in order to make this as painless as possible, I will stick to my usual tricks for conning myself into thinking I’m eating. Even when I totally am not. And, in the spirit of sharing, I hereby present BV’s diet rules. Because you know you love a good rule.
1. Keep gallons of pickles around. At almost no calories, they are a free food that tastes great.
2. Cook at home so you can control what’s in the food. You would be shocked at how much fat is in restaurant food. Plus, the portions are ridiculously enormous. Husband and I can share an entree and still have overeaten. And let’s not even talk about the drinking one engages in when one eats out. Booze makes me love you more but love my butt less.
3. Only make (for eating) what you love. If you don’t get to fill up, at least enjoy what you have. So don’t waste precious calories on stupid shit like toast. Or orange juice. Hello, lame.
4. Drink diet pop. And lots of it. Flavour without content. It’s like manna from heaven.
5. Make time for self pity. Because no junk food = earned sadness.
I’m also going to try a new experiment: no prepackaged food. Or rather, no prepared food. Cans of vegetables are totally cool, especially beans which take forever to soak and cook. But I’m trying to eat as naturally as possible, from real ingredients instead of dried or frozen packs. Not only will this help with the dieting, but I’m hoping it will in general prove healthful, and bolster my attempts to stop getting sick any more. The only prepackaged, prepared stuff I’ll use is the aforementioned pop and pickles, plus condiments. We’ll see how it goes.