February 1st, 2008
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (fourth edition, text revision), I am addicted to chips:
Criteria for substance dependence:
A maladaptive pattern of substance use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period: (I’ll only include the criteria that fit me)
(1) tolerance, as defined by (a) a need for markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect (desired effect: a happy glow of salty, fatty contentment. I used to get by on a little grab bag. Now I need the LARGE SIZE! bag.)
(3) the substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended (holy jeebus, I always eat more than I plan to. I say, Self, we’re going to eat about one third of this bag. Then I inhale the whole works.)
(4) there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use (This is me all over. About once every other month I announce I am quitting chips. I never stick to it. Just one, I say to myself, I’ll just have one. What could possibly go wrong?)
(5) a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the substance (okay, this is a bit tenuous. It’s not like I have to sell my body to pay for the next hit of chips. But sometimes I do fret all afternoon waiting for Husband to go out, because I’m too ashamed to eat them in front of him. Does that count?)
(7) the substance use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (Hello, my fat!)
It’s official. I am addicted to chips. And what do we do with addicts? We shoot them! Oh wait, that’s bush-masturbators.
Today I announce, before God and all the world, that I am quitting chips once and for all. I’m even quitting tortilla chips, which are not a particular weakness of mine (what I really love are Old Dutch Rip-L-Chips, no dip), but which do act as a gateway chip to the potato type.
In order to facilitate this change, I think I need to institute some kind of behaviour management program. Everyone, kindly, please, if you see me eating chips, punch me in the face.
Mel always suggests that to portion out chips you shouldn’t keep the bag nearby as that leads to mindless eating. Instead put the proper amount into a bowl and put the bag away. Rather than giving up entirely, maybe you should try that.
What, you think I’m too stupid to realize I can just walk over to the cupboard any time I feel like it and have more? And, there is no such thing as a proper amount of chips unless that amount is 0.