March 27th, 2008
Last night I had a really great talk with my dad. We were watching There Will be Blood and while swapping DVD’s (it’s too long for one), we got to chatting… which turned into talking… which turned into three hours of dissection of some things that are going on in his life right now. I know I’m very lucky to have a dad who is also a great friend to me, and someone I can engage with on a mostly adult to adult level. And he’s great to talk to – lively, interesting, smart, argumentative to a degree, funny. It’s never boring. I love him a lot.
But it’s still complicated. Because to a degree I’m still the kid, and even if I see something more clearly than he does, I can’t say so. You can’t tell your dad what to do. We talk, and I don’t keep my thoughts a secret, but I don’t always say them as strongly as I’m thinking them. Because there are multiple duties in play: the duty to be honest, the duty to support your loved one, the duty to respect the rights of others to direct their own lives, the duty to keep the lines of communication open. He’s stood by me when I did some boneheaded things and stayed silent, the supportive silent that makes it possible for you to admit your mistakes with only minimal shame. He never says he told me so, and neither do I. We know each other too well for that kind of stuff, and again, I know I’m luckier than most on that score. He’s a man I admire and respect and strive to emulate in my dealings with others.
So I stay silent because the straight route is not always the best one. Because people’s feelings direct them and you have to understand that and respect it. Because we can look at each other and both know there’s trouble coming but he has to try.
But it’s still hard to sit back and watch the train wreck unfold in slow motion.
You and I are very different. I’d rather “pull the bandaid off quickly” than the alternative. Sure, it means some people think I’m a jerk, but they also don’t doubt my honest answers.
Side effects of being a jerk: smug satisfaction of feeling right (and attendant arrogance), people call you less because you’re a jerk, and people stop telling you private things because you’re a jerk.
Side effects of being not a jerk: People talk to you and aren’t afraid to tell you things about themselves that are maybe shameful or embarrassing or that don’t make sense, and a feeling of sadness as you see others fuck up, but guess what, THEY DO IT ANYWAY.
This is why professional psychology exists. You can’t just tell someone what their problem is and expect that to fix anything. It doesn’t. Blunt honesty has more to do with the speaker’s egotistical need to be right than with the best interest of the recipient.
People almost always know what they *should* do. The reason they do something different is where the fascinating and complicated machinery of their personal psychology steps in. And this machinery doesn’t necessarily make choices based on what’s most logical. Ignoring it is stupid – it’s far more powerful than your opinions.
Also, be careful to not irrationally conflate shoving your opinion down people’s throats with being more trustworthy. I can’t prove it but I would guess people conceal things from you in order to avoid your know it all lectures, and in this sense they are demonstrating that they trust you less (ie, they don’t trust you with their vulnerable feelings). Your *stated opinions* might be 100% trustworthy, but you as a person are not.
Note in the realm of meta: Puck, the above message isn’t intended to change you (because simply telling you how it is can’t do that), but rather to give my legions of other readers food for thought.
If I can see potential pitfalls in someone’s plans I usually politely and helpfully suggest they keep an eye out for them, while still making sure they know I’m being supportive of their idea overall.
You say people almost always know what they *should* do, but that “almost” isn’t as common as we would like to think. Sometimes a slight misgiving in the back of their head that would otherwise get ignored can come to the forefront when discussed with friends or family and a total clusterf%$# can be mostly avoided.