June 25th, 2008
I have a friend who is dealing with a major crisis in her life. And it is turning her into a jerk. A jerk whose calls I am no longer taking. I do not know how to navigate this problem.
The last few times we’ve talked the conversation has turned into a Blogosaurus-bashing event. She said some things that really aren’t acceptable (bashing me and bashing Husband). She also said some things that really weren’t fair either (using private and painful things I’d told her in confidence as ammo in the bashing). And I was totally surprised and taken aback. She’s gone way over the line of Things You Are Allowed to Say to Your Friends.
But I didn’t say anything to her about this because really, she has huge shit going on right now. Her shit makes my shit look like no shit at all. I can’t justify adding to her pile of shit by complaining to her about my shit. Clearly she it at maximum overload, totally stressed out, totally afraid, and totally unable to maintain normal and healthy interpersonal relationships. Crisis is not bringing out the best in her. I feel guilty for being upset when she has things to much worse.
But the truth is, I can’t let it go. I would like to be the sort of person who is so understanding and resilient that her bad behaviour just rolls off me, and I forbear with saint-like understanding and caring. I would like to really not be bothered, to really be a good support to her. But I am discovering something somewhat unpleasant about myself, which is that I am not nearly that good at being a friend to someone in crisis. I think I had this fantasy of myself as her supportive rock, the one she could count on no matter what. Well ha ha, turns out she can only count on me until she starts pissing me off, at which point I start screening her calls. Can you smell the guilt.
Though here’s something else: just because she has it bad doesn’t give her permission to make my life miserable, especially when I have been trying to help.
So I have no idea what to do next. I know she’s in bad enough shape that there’s nothing to be gained by confronting her on this issue. She’s not open to feedback right now. But I’m not open to being shat on by her any more either. Another niggling problem is that, as I learn more about her through this process, I am seeing a lot of things I really don’t like in her. I’m no longer sure how committed I am to maintaining this friendship at all.
What a mess.
People will cross your boundaries for as long as you let them. And since I’m a betting girl, I’m guessing this is terminal illness husband girl.
Do I win?
Anyway.. I guess some people still hang on that ol’ unconditional love. Not the whole, I’ll love you if you aren’t an asshole to me. But – thats just me.
So – I recommend you just tell her. It will solve your problem right quick. Chances are she won’t want to be your friend anymore, and your conscience is free.
I think it’s fair to say “you should know that if you keep doing X then I am going to get the Y out of here.”
I agree with the enforcement of boundaries. Something along the lines of “Look, I’m really trying to be supportive to you in this difficult situation, but you really aren’t making it easy for me to do that with these personal attacks. And you need to know that each time you do that, it erodes my desire to help you.”