September 15th, 2008
So Thanksgiving is coming up, and as usual, one of my sets of aunts and uncles is hosting dinner. I love Thanksgiving at their house because it’s always a big, noisy affair with lots of people and conversation, plus my aunt always gets a little merry on the red wine and then makes everyone say what they’re grateful for. I love it.
The only down side is this: my aunt seems a little weirded out by us being vegans, and always make strange productions out of it. Here’s one example. The last time we went to a party at her house, we brought an entree to share – I made a basic tex-mex style pasta and bean salad, with noodles, black beans, chopped onion and bell pepper, salsa, and cilantro mixed in. Super simple, the kind of thing they sell in the deli of the grocery store, nothing weird, no tofu in evidence. Food that omnivores would eat, for purposes of sharing, but also nutritious for Husband and me so we have a main dish for dinner.
But my aunt made a huge deal out of it, telling every person who arrived in the kitchen for dinner that “this is a vegan dish!” like it’s made out of the rarest and strangest of ingredients. And of course everyone eyed it strangely, and I saw people tentatively take a tiny spoonful of it onto their plates to try it, and that really bugged me because there was no need to single it out as “weird” when it’s made of the most conventional ingredients going, and because it wasn’t even the only vegan dish at the buffet – the salad, the bread, the three different types of cooked veggies (in their pre-buttered state), the crackers and pickles and olives presented as appetizers – all vegan, all totally normal, all perfectly edible. Everyone eats a little vegan now and then.
I don’t like being singled out as weird and strange for eating like I do. As you know, I really try to make my veganism as easy on my hosts as I can – I always bring food, I never complain or fuss (even going so far as to eat a light meal before going over if I’m worried there really won’t be enough for us to eat), I never bring up issues of cruelty or anything related to veganism in company. I am often asked about how we eat, and my policy when at functions is to stick to the positive aspects of my choice, never put down or appear judgmental of what others are eating, stay open and non-defensive as much as I can, and of course only discuss it if asked by someone first. No preaching. So here I am, doing my level best to be a good guest and and an appreciative one, and getting the “isn’t she bizarre?” treatment in return.
I know my aunt isn’t trying to be difficult. She really is a lovely woman. I think she just finds how we eat to be pretty odd, and isn’t quite sure what to make of it. She has offered to prepare vegan dishes for me and Husband after she retires, which shows that she thinks it’s very complicated and hard to eat vegan (as did I, when I began, so I get this), and which also shows she wants to be considerate and welcoming to us. I really appreciate this. I don’t think she realizes she’s singling us out and making us uncomfortable.
But, it’s still weird.
Also, as someone who likes to cook and share the product, I get a little crushed inside to see people eyeing my contribution to the spread like it might be radioactive. If they didn’t know it was vegan, they’d just eat it and probably enjoy it – or at least like or dislike it on its own merits, not because they had an emotional reaction to its label as “vegan.” It’s a little odd to me that people find vegan dishes so weird when we eat plants-only dishes all the time and think nothing of it. Don’t they realize there is no fundamental diffference between the entree I brought and the salad?
I miss the food rituals of the holidays (sharing the turkey, for example), which I have excluded myself from by choice. But the higher level ritual of breaking bread together as a family is a ritual I can still be part of, even if I don’t eat the bird. Bringing a dish is my way of re-entering the circle; I feel exogenously excluded from this remaining part of the togetherness when the singling out of my food happens.
Anyway, I know this is coming again at thanksgiving and I’m a little apprehensive about it. I’m just hoping that if the food I bring is very tasty, and presented without too much fanfare, it will gradually become accepted and can then go uncommented upon (except to say whether it’s delicious or not!). It might take a few years but what the hell, isn’t that what family is about? Gradual brainwashing over a series of years? 
Are you required to bring a main? At our Thanksgiving, held usually at an Aunt’s house, one could easily bring a salad or a dessert. If you brought a delicious salad, would it be noted for it’s Vegan-ness? Perhaps in the minds of the “norms” (let’s be fair, your diet is abnormal…) an entree without meat is perhaps an oddity, while a salad without meat is standard. Thus, less remarkable, thus, less remarks?
I have a cousin who is Vegan, and she gets along fine, without any comments, except from me, when she tried to explain to me how a pig is as intelligent as a three year old child. A Psych graduate this one. I cry bullshit. I want to see the standardized tests!
I could read at three.
Can you dispel this psych-myth?
~I.
No, I don’t have to bring a main, but then I wouldn’t get one! Woman does not live by salad alone. I require a heartier portion to my meal. Though it is true I could probably meet my nutritional needs by hoarding the entire salad/appetizer portion of the meal and snarfing it down by myself in the bathroom. Or I could bring a casserole.
I have no idea if a pig is as smart as a three year old. Probably they are. If there’s one thing a psych degree does, it trains you to go to the research and abuse it like a redheaded stepchild. No field does more rigorous research or holds itself to a higher standard of same (flame!). I haven’t seen any research about this, but I will say three years olds are pretty stupid (except perhaps you, who was reading at 3), so that doesn’t say much for the pig.
Ha!
I know I certainly eat a little vegan now and then.
maybe your aunt thought it was from Vega.
ps – I’m 80% vegan, but I probably would only eat what you brought if there were nachos to dunk in it. No offense, just prefer carbs.