Blogosaurus Vex

So I am bird sitting.  My cousin has these two finches and he also has a girlfriend in New Jersey and in order to propose to latter, he needed to ditch the former for a couple of weeks.  I love animals and I’ve never had a bird so when he asked if I’d watch them my head exploded and I said yes.  (And now he is engaged, HOORAY.)

Of course, animals are strictly verboten in this apartment but I figured, what’s two weeks?  Who’s to know?  The people who could fix my sudden lack of hot water, that’s who.  But Husband declares it’s better to have an apartment with cold water than hot water in an apartment we just got evicted from, so we can’t get someone to come fix our lack of hot water until after the birds go (Tuesday).  The lack of hot water appeared three days after the birds arrived, so we’re in the home stretch of a week and a half with water that is tepid at best.  Yeah.  It’s pretty awesome.

Still, the birds are pretty cool.  One of them has a properly developed song (did you like how I applied my standards to a couple of finches?  As though I know anything about birds!) which is sort of repetitive but charming nonetheless.  They beep and peep all day long, which is pretty cute so long as I’m not trying to nap on the couch, and they have this darling little bird nest affair that they nestle into at night and seriously, I die of cute when they’re in there. They make for nice company, and they’re interesting to watch.

The only downside of birds is they are messy eaters.  Their seed shells (or whatever it’s called.  The stuff they strip off their seeds before they eat the insides – it’s thin and sort of soft but clearly inedible based on their consistent rejection – and ejection! – of it) are all over the place.  Also, they poop about once a minute.  And I do feel sort of sad when I watch them try to fly but their cage is so small they can’t get more than a couple wing flaps in before needing to land.  I get rumblings of guilt over it because they clearly want to fly and clearly cannot, but try over and over and over all day long.  But again, what do I know about birds.  Maybe birds love being in cages.

So we won’t be getting any finches for ourselves.  Instead, I’m going to get groceries.  Ha ha ha!  Oh lord I amuse myself.  No really.  Today I want to do some stocking of the freezer.  I’ll make a big boiled down pot of pho broth, more spaghetti (I always have spag in the freezer.  Recently I discovered it’s helped a lot by the addition of balsamic vinegar, and I also add nutritional yeast, which adds a cheesiness to the flavour), maybe some chili, and a soup I think too.

And finally, what do you eat for breakfast?  I get hungry in the morning but I dislike everything when it comes time to eat.  Cereal is too cold.  Toast is too crispy.  Oatmeal is too revolting.  Ham and eggs is too animally.  I like soup in the morning but I always get an upset stomach afterwards.  Recently I’ve been having date squares for breakfast but they don’t hold me.  Also they probably have next to no nutrition.  Help!  What should I have for breakfast?

Posted in Domesticity, Veganism | 3 Comments »

Good lord.  So today I was talking to someone at work and I said something innocuous like, “Are we going to decorate the office for Christmas?”  Which was translated in the mind of the person I asked into “I hate non-whites and non-Christians and think they should all be SHOT or at least ENSLAVED because they are SO CLEARLY inferior and lack THE BLESSING OF JESUS because she replied, “Well that’s a little harsh, don’t you think?”

I can’t tell you what sort of company I work for at the moment (confidentiality, you understand) but it’s the sort of place that absolutely reeks of white guilt and apparently I touched that nerve.

So I said, “What, harsh?  I just mean, like, are we going to put up a wreath or something?”

And she said, pointedly, “This is an inclusive office.”  And then she walked away. Oh ho ho… it includes everyone but Christians who celebrate Christmas!  (And athiests who do – that’s me!)

I feel the need to disclaim here, but I’ll keep it short: I was trained in the post-modern paradigm and my first degree is in history and let me tell you, I figure I have as good an appreciation for how spectacularly horrible white folks could be and sometimes are as any white person alive today in the western world can have.  I get it.  I just don’t get how hanging some ornaments on the office plants equates with oppression.  It takes a lot of convoluted apologist arguing to explain it and please spare me because I’ve studied that, I’ve written about it, I totally hear it.  And I totally don’t buy it.  It’s a stereotype of a new and currently socially acceptable sort and I say poo to it.  End disclaimer.

So I ask you, internet: should I put up some Christmas stuff in my office?  Say, non-denominational Christmas (ha ha!).  No images of Jesus or Santa, just some festive stuff in red and green.  It is, after all, my cultural tradition and a completely valid expression of my worldview based on the norms of my family, its heritage, and the way I make meaning (she said with a chortle).

But seriously.  It’s a few decorations.  Acceptable?  Or a tool of the patriarchy?  You decide!

Posted in Ranting | 4 Comments »

…with tales of spiders!  Spine chilling!  Riveting!  You can’t turn away!

Not really.  I conquered my fear of spiders a couple of years ago.  It involved a couple hours spent in the company of dozens of tarantulas in an insectarium (is that a word?) in Newfoundland and though it was one of the most horrific experiences of my life, I am pleased to report that it cured me.  Exposure works!  Still and all, if I found a spider on my person I would be most displeased, perhaps to the point of shreiking and flailing, maybe even to regressive crying, but I say let he who is without sin etc., etc.

Here is something actually alarming: I have invited my mom to go to the ballet with me.  We went once when I was very little (The Nutcracker, of course), and I loved it.  And even though I am no longer little I thought it would be nice if we went together, no?  But we’re not really close despite repeated threats to start hanging out more we are virtual strangers (we live about five minutes apart and see each other about four times a year).  How do you feel when you invite a virtual stranger out for the evening?  Imagine, say, a virtual stranger who is also your mother and all the complications this causes (mother = stranger, it is, as Oprah would undoubtedly say, fraught).

Will she say yes?  Will she suggest we invite along my step sister who is a perfectly lovely person and utterly blameless but a source of constant misery to me because my mom spends her free time with her and not me?  Will rampaging hippopotamuses trample us to death during intermission?  (Did you know hippos kill more people each year than any other animal?  It’s true!  I think!)

In other news, my body continues to betray me, which is a real puzzler because what did I ever do to it?  A few years ago I had a suspicious mole removed (and in case you weren’t a reader of mine four years ago, I should tell you the story of that mole because it’s a humdinger!) which turned out to have pre-cancerous cells in it, and when they cut it out they couldn’t get clear margins (because of where it was located, which is also part of the hilarious yet poignant story).  As far as I can tell it hasn’t grown back but! But I have a new mole doing strange things in a new place and when I showed it to my doctor she examined it for about one third of a second before declaring it has to go, and referring me to a dermatologist.  Who will need to inspect my entire person, scalp to toes, for more removables.  Nudity before strangers: Oh the shame!

Also, I am still obnoxious and recently called a garbage man a fucking asshole.  It felt great and he absolutely deserved it and I’m not sorry one bit.

Posted in Personal | No Comments »

I see that announcing I was quitting writing and then stopping writing for a couple months has driven all my readers away.  Quitters!  That’s what you are: a bunch of quitters!

I wouldn’t quit your blog just because you said you weren’t writing any more.  Fickleness, thy name is reader!

No really.  After much fussing and hemming and hawing etc., I decided that this blog could be perfectly harmless and fun if I restrict myself exclusively to discussions of sex, bodily functions, and my opinions about my employer.

Now let’s see you come flocking back!

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

So we’re trying to be more frugal this year.  I’m sort of crafty, so I thought I’d make Christmas tree ornaments to give to family members as presents.  I have been working out how to make little stuffed birds, very simple, made out of fabric I quilted and machine embroidered myself.  The problem is I can’t tell if they’re really good enough for gifts.  I mean, I know everyone will appreciate the work and effort, and family generally enjoy hand made gifts (and my family is middle class enough that we don’t really need to buy each other stuff), but still… are these good, or are they just good thoughts?  I’ve been looking at them all afternoon and I can’t tell anymore.

Please be honest, I don’t want to embarass myself.  Register with a fake name, I have no idea how to trace you.

Side view.

Hanging by the sewn in hanging ribbon.

Aerial view from above:

Head on.  You can see here that I did the belly piece all in reds, to contrast with the greens of the two top panels.  He is asking, “Am I cute, or do I suck?”

Posted in Hobbies | 3 Comments »

Christmas is coming and I need to make some plans about what to serve for Christmas Eve dinner.  Husband’s sister and her family are coming here for dinner – they’re omnivores but very open to vegan food, so it should be a great night.  My problem is this: I need to think of something special to make for dinner.  Wouldn’t you be disappointed with a holiday dinner comprised of brown rice and stir fry?  Yeah.  It doesn’t cut it.  Dinner needs to be festive!

So I’m combing my recipe books for suitably dramatic and time consuming dishes to serve.  I’ll have some basics on hand: mashed potatoes, fresh dinner rolls, and a brussels sprouts/cauliflower/broccoli in garlic mustard sauce dish I like, but beyond this I’m undecided.  I’ll serve a soup (probably a chickpea stew I make that uses all the traditional poultry spices and tastes like turkey), a salad (likely just a simple green fellow), and then I’ll need another vegetable dish – perhaps a tart?  The chief challenge is thinking up the turkey replacement, or rather the star of the meal.  I’m thinking something baked that I can whip out of the “oven” at the last moment to great applause and gasps of air.  Naturally it needs to be not too fussy about oven temperature and small enough to fit in my oven!  I found a recipe for a seitan roulade with mushroom and chestnut filling that I might try later this week to see if it will do.  It looks lovely!

Last year I really overdosed on Christmas.  This year I have sworn I will not put up the tree or any decorations until the first weekend of December (the 7th I believe), and so far have only been cheating a little.  There are about 8 ornaments on my fireplace mantel which comprise my purchases for this year.  And I ordered some CD’s online of Christmas music I enjoy: a version of the Nutcracker ballet, one of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir discs, the Festival of Carols in Brass, and – wait for it – the Christmas album by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.  (All I can say about this latter is your musical tastes should be guided by what you love and not what others will think is cool.)  This year I’m going for a more concentrated blast of Christmas, confined to the month between early December and the week after New Year’s.  To avoid oversaturation, you understand.

But what to serve for dinner?

Posted in Cooking, Domesticity, Veganism | 3 Comments »

I’ve been rather busy lately.  Yesterday I spent the morning at Granville Island, where I bought a glass octopus Christmas tree ornament and a book of vegan baking recipes – and then spent the afternoon baking.  This is a major challenge because I don’t have an oven.  What I do have is a little microwave/oven como unit, which is inadequate on several fronts:

1. The inside is the size of a microwave, so fitting a cookie sheet in there requires application of non-Euclidean geometry, or a trip to the store for a smaller sheet.  This makes baking hard because you have to put your stuff in there in several “heats,” which is less than optimal because the leavening ingredients are working as soon as the wet ingredients mix with the dry and to have them sit on the counter for twenty minutes while the first half of the cupcakes bake is bad for your outcome. But making the recipe in one-third batches to time completion of the mix with availability of the oven is bad for my mood.  We suffer the consequences of the former.

2. It doesn’t get very hot, but brazenly lies about it anyway: “DING! Oven is now 375.”  Pfff!  I use an oven thermometer but it’s not much help because the turntable rotates when the oven is on, and if you open the door the heat promptly rushes out, so I have to try and read the tiny thermometer numbers through a dark glass door as it spins around inside.  It’s not good enough for delicate baking like pastries and cakes.  And the back corner is way hotter than the rest, which you’d think would be solved by the turning of the turntable, but even the smallest cookie sheet is too big to actually rotate.  It just bangs around inside as the turntable goes left, then right, and the tray catches on the walls.

3. It occasionally goes through a phase where it screams while it turns, which is quite alarming.  I don’t know the source of this but it seems worse then there is either nothing in the oven at all, or something heavy.  WTF.

I’m thinking of asking my landlord if we can get an oven installed, but as Husband observed the landlord is a pretty reliable “no” man.  No dog, no cat, no balcony renovation, no replacement floor in the hallway closets.  So I’m doing the best I can with what I have.  Yesterday I made date squares (which need fiddling – the crust was too dry) and sugar cookies (which are a real pain to do in heats!).  I made royal icing and iced some of the cookies, which was way too much work for the return.

I also made some baked potatoes that I tried my vegan sour cream on.  I don’t think this sour cream would pass for real, since it’s made with tofu and there is a tofu-y taste, but we like it.  It’s creamy and tart and has the perfect texture – plus it’s full of protein and all that tofu goodness.  I scooped out the flesh from halved baked potatoes and mashed it with the sour cream, salt and pepper, and chopped green onions.  Then I refilled the skin shells and they are ready to be rebaked.  Tonight we’ll have those for dinner with a spinach salad and a green bean and mushroom stroganoff, which will also get some sour cream on it.  I’ll try and get pictures of this process.

Posted in Cooking, Domesticity, Veganism | 2 Comments »

I am trying to discover the name and author of a book I loved as a small child.  Google has failed me.  Maybe you know this book?  Prepare for the terribly vague description:

1. It has black and white illustrations, sort of in the Edward Gorey style.

2. It features a sheep dog, or some other kind of shaggy dog.

3. There is a mop.

4. The flavour is, I believe, Victorian.

That’s all I have.  But I haven’t been able to get this book out of my head for the last, oh, twenty-three years.  Anybody know a children’s librarian who might be able to help?

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Lest we forget.

Never again.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »