In case you were worried about me… I am fine.  Yesterday’s melodrama has passed.  It turns out I require an external regulator for my moods and around 9:30 Husband came home, and it was all sunshine and puppies after that.  I just can’t be miserable when he’s around.  Especially!  Oh!  Especially since I pulled my first practical joke ever on him, and it was a resounding success, except for the part where I could only keep it up for about eight seconds before dissolving into giggles and giving up the game.  Here is what happened:

Husband: Hey, did you get that money I left you on the computer?

BV: What money?

H: I left your cash on your laptop.  Did you see it?

BV: (I affect a look of puzzled consternation) What are you talking about?  What money?

H: The cash.  The cash you asked me to get when I was at the bank yesterday.  Did you get it?

BV: No.

H: (A frantic look is growing on his face) A hundred and forty bucks!  I left it on your computer this morning!  it’s not there now!  Didn’t you get it!?

BV: Nooooo….. (giggle giggle giggle)

Oh ho ho.  Yes indeed.  Where did the money go!  How did it disappear from inside the apartment!  Oh I amuse myself!  For the record I know it’s not much of a gag but it’s the first and best I’ve ever done and I am soooo pleased with myself you can’t even imagine.  My poor husband, who did me a favour (fetching my cash when I was too lazy to go to the bank), and then worked a thirteen hour day, came home to me, being sassy.  It’s a good thing he loves me.

Things I have learned about myself this year:

1. I suck at learning.  It’s true!  If I don’t get it immediately, it is a catastrophe.  Then I started learning to do a job that is very hard and I am not naturally gifted at.  Voila: constant self-reproach and misery.  Also anxiety requiring professional intervention.  I have this image of myself as a graceful novice, plucky and courageous, joyfully accepting bad feedback as an impetus to just try harder, darn it! Yeah.  Not so much.  I get bad feedback and I crumple like a leaf under a boot.  And…

2. I can’t take good feedback either.  I just got an assessment of my work and I am almost embarrassed to tell you how good it was.  It was so good the assessor told me that it would have been even better except it wouldn’t do to have the first assessment be perfect, then it looks like I have no room for growth.  I know!  Vomit, right?  But I am convinced that the assessor just doesn’t know how to assess.  If only he really knew how terrible I really am!  I actually became miserable after receiving the report.

3. I can be moved to tears when there’s no hot water for my tub.  This is a sign that I have the emotional development of a two year old, which could actually just be appropriate, because I can’t remember how old I am and shit, for all I know I really am two.  It would explain a lot.

4. It’s all in my head.  Nerves?  I had a million tests and the result is I have the most perfect nervous system on planet Earth and my symptoms are a medical mystery.  Which almost certainly means I’m bugshit crazy and doing it to myself.  Awesome.

5. I should not make lists like this on days like this because it’s all bleak bleak bleak and perhaps terribly tedious for you?  I live to entertain but alas, do not alway succeed.

6. My birthday is Saturday.  This isn’t new learning but I wanted to mention it.  I like my birthday.

Had a bad day at work.  I am… what’s the word?  Incompetent.  Am considering taking up garbage collection as a more appropriate career path, given my native talents (none) and ability to learn new skills (also none).

Furthermore, there is no food in the house, and I am too depressed and self-loathing to even go out for it.  Also I am too vegan to order anything in, though my christ what I wouldn’t give for a pizza.  If, like, if magically was vegan but looked, smelled, and tasted exactly like real pizza.  So I’m going to starve because if I eat one more Subway sandwich I will kill myself and there’s nothing else around here.

I wish I was dead.  You?

My birthday is coming!  Oh yes it is!  I can hardly wait because not only am I turning either 29 or 30 (I never remember and have to ask Husband, who for reasons unknown knows my age when I do not) but once I’ve turned whatever-age-it-is I am freed from my promise to hold off on decorating and I can set up the tree and all the decorations and holy shit it will be Christmas town around here let me tell you!  Here is the list of what I do for the holidays:

1. Set up the main tree, a fakey called Mr Castlegar.  Yes I named my plastic Christmas tree.  What of it?  Mr Castlegar gets a rather elaborate lighting treatment before being utterly drowned in sparkly ornaments. Strangely I do not have a tree topper… currently I’m using a big starfish ornament but since it doesn’t light up it’s not quite right, you know?  But it is a star.  And ocean themed, which goes with all my squid and octopus toys that go on the tree.

2. Set up the auxiliary tree, which Husband wanted to turn into The Battle Tree (using toys to create an epic yet festive conflict between all my squid toys and some GI Joes), but which I executed veto over and turned into The Bird Tree instead (it gets white lights, red beads, and lots of little bird ornaments).

3. Each tree gets a skirt I quilted myself.  They were among my earlier efforts and they aren’t great but no matter!

4. The mantle over our fireplace is dressed.  This involves a bunch of shiny “nut” ornaments (acorns I believe) hanging on ribbons from under the lip, and the very special NOEL candle holders that belonged to my gramma and are part of an extended family tradition. Every year someone rearranges the letters so it spells LEON which is considered HILARIOUS because Leon is a Jewish name, ha ha!

5. Miscellany.  I have a Santa to place, and I plan to acquire a wreath to put on the door.  I also have some Christmas themed towels for the main bathroom and tea towels for the kitchen and a few extra ornaments to hang here and there on the plants, etc.  And I’d like to get a nutcracker too.  Hmm, I also don’t have any of those heavy things you hand stockings from.

6. The Christmas music comes out.  I particularly enjoy Bing Crosby’s White Christmas and John Denver’s Rocky Mountain Christmas.  Yes I know.  We are all slaves to our childhood memories and it shouldn’t be held against us.

7. Roughly three weeks of gazing at the lit tree after dark every night can commence!

8. On Christmas Eve, I will change the bed linens so we get this combination: Green and gold brocade-style duvet, white sheets, red pillow cases.

I can hardly wait!  So hurry up and get over, birthday!

Remember how I don’t have an oven?  My friend in Richmond has generously offered me the use of hers, so today I’m driving out there with boxes of flour and sugar and molasses to bake.  She’s a vegetarian and her husband is a vegan so we’re all on the same page re: ingredients (she bakes vegan).  Today I hope to make cut out sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies, and candied pecans.  We did this a couple weeks ago and we just split everything we made and probably will do the same today.  It’s a good system.

But holy fuck I should just have an oven of my own, you know?  Seriously!

Also, today I have been tasked with taking the family car, also known as the Sprite Car, also known as the Spite Car in winter, to the garage for an oil change.  Not only does it require special oil (necessitating a trip to Canadian Tire beforehand), but it requires me to sit in the lobby of Morrey Mazda for an hour and a half twiddling my thumbs while I could be baking.  (And now if you want to stalk me you know where to find me later this morning!  You’re welcome!)

Oh!  Oh my god how did I forget, Morrey is right next door to the Gourmet Warehouse!  Which is this awesome kitchen supplies store!  Zang!

I love taking the car in!