December 4th, 2008
Things I have learned about myself this year:
1. I suck at learning. It’s true! If I don’t get it immediately, it is a catastrophe. Then I started learning to do a job that is very hard and I am not naturally gifted at. Voila: constant self-reproach and misery. Also anxiety requiring professional intervention. I have this image of myself as a graceful novice, plucky and courageous, joyfully accepting bad feedback as an impetus to just try harder, darn it! Yeah. Not so much. I get bad feedback and I crumple like a leaf under a boot. And…
2. I can’t take good feedback either. I just got an assessment of my work and I am almost embarrassed to tell you how good it was. It was so good the assessor told me that it would have been even better except it wouldn’t do to have the first assessment be perfect, then it looks like I have no room for growth. I know! Vomit, right? But I am convinced that the assessor just doesn’t know how to assess. If only he really knew how terrible I really am! I actually became miserable after receiving the report.
3. I can be moved to tears when there’s no hot water for my tub. This is a sign that I have the emotional development of a two year old, which could actually just be appropriate, because I can’t remember how old I am and shit, for all I know I really am two. It would explain a lot.
4. It’s all in my head. Nerves? I had a million tests and the result is I have the most perfect nervous system on planet Earth and my symptoms are a medical mystery. Which almost certainly means I’m bugshit crazy and doing it to myself. Awesome.
5. I should not make lists like this on days like this because it’s all bleak bleak bleak and perhaps terribly tedious for you? I live to entertain but alas, do not alway succeed.
6. My birthday is Saturday. This isn’t new learning but I wanted to mention it. I like my birthday.