August 21st, 2009
I used to be friends with a woman who asked me this all the time. And recently another friend of mine said to me, “You’d tell me if you thought I was getting fat, right?”
No. No I would not.
Discussing weight seems to be one of those social currencies that are divorced from their literal content, in much the same way “How are you today?” directed at strangers is. I’m not really asking how you are, I’m telling you I want to appear polite and friendly but not much more. I think that for many women, “Do you think I’m fat?” really means “Do you accept me and care about me?” And the correct answer is generally yes, yes I do care about you and accept you. But sometimes yes, you are also fat. But I can’t say that I think you’re fat because if I do so, what is really communicated is “I neither accept nor care about you.”
So it’s a dangerous question, as countless sitcoms about hapless husbands can attest. I don’t think we should take from this that women are manipulative or trying to trap the questionee; rather we should acknowledge that in our society it’s not okay to ask people if they care about us. Can you imagine approaching one of your friends and saying, “Hey, I could really use a check in on this – do you still have lots of warm, affectionate feelings about me? Are we still good friends?”
Until we’re allowed to do that, we’ll keep asking about our weight.
But of course it’s not a total divorce. Lots of people, men and women and me, worry about being fat and this is why I think The Fat Question is so anxiety provoking. Even if it’s mostly a check on caring and acceptance, it’s also got a measure of literal fat-worry mixed in. So when I say “No, you look great” meaning “I accept you,” I am simultaneously saying, if the friend is indeed fat, “I am lying to you.” Or if she’s not fat, “I’m not taking your worries seriously.” You cannot, in fact, win.
And again, this isn’t a trap. Consider that the anxious, conflicted uncertainty that the askee experiences is almost certainly the same feeling that the asker is enduring. The fat question is in this sense a form of anxiety currency exchange in which the parties struggle over who ends up holding the basket, or rather the anxiety. You are being asked to take the burden of the unpleasant feelings for your friend. The trick is in addressing the real concerns, caring and sometimes weight, without taking on the anxiety burden, which really is not yours.
Tell me if I get fat.
Especially in the face.
I have been meaning to say something to you about this…
I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I would never ask this question. I know my weight and I know the healthy range of weight for women my height. These are objective criteria that I prefer to check myself against, rather than ask my friends. I can also tell when I gain weight by how my clothes fit, again, not something I need to ask my friends about.
However, if I do ask my friends something about my appearance, I expect to be told the truth. You do me no favors by lying to me to try and preserve my feelings and let me continue to look ridiculous. I’d rather know that my new haircut makes me look like a madwoman locked in the attic than walk around deluding myself that it looks great. If I didn’t want your honest opinion, I wouldn’t ask the question in the first place.
So long as no one is cruel about it, friends should be able to tell each other the truth without damaging the friendship.