September 11th, 2009
Today I went by myself to see Whiteout, a movie I just heard about yesterday when I was planning how I’d spend my free afternoon. It’s a crime drama set in Antarctica, and if you tried to make a movie just for me, you couldn’t have come up with a better concept. I love survival stories and Antarctica is the very best source of these; I love crime dramas. I love these two genres so much I am prepared to forgive them a multitude of sins – but this was not a good movie. I enjoyed it – but it sucked. So, don’t go see it unless you too have an enduring love affair with murder in the cold.
It starts with an entirely gratuitous scene of what can only be described as soft, soft core porn as the lead actress (someone or other) strips down to her panties, helpfully bends over to turn on the shower with her bottom pointed at the camera, and then treats us to an extended but steamed over view of her body naked under the faucet.
Then the movie starts.
I guessed the bad guy within a minute of his appearance on screen – both of them. The main cop figure has (of course) a chip on her shoulder which causes her to freak out if she thinks anyone is questioning her ability. The fights in the snow are hard to follow. The ending is so anticlimactic you probably shouldn’t even call it a climax. And, strangest of all, despite a crazed axe murderer being loose in the tiny, claustrophobic setting of a research station on Antarctica, all the staff except the protagonist and maybe two other people are in major party mode because they are about to cut it really close to an incoming storm that might stop them from evacuating the continent before winter sets in. Um… okay.